Holy Quail!
by SunshineandDaisys
Summary: A series of parodies written by two lunatics... assisted by the Yu Yu Hakusho cast. Including The Quest for the Holy Quail and The Journeys of Hodo Pagins. Caution: May contain offensive, rabid kumquats.
1. Quest for the Holy Quail

Disclaimer: KUMQUAT... oh, and we don't own Yu Yu Hakusho. OR Monty Python. But we DO own ourselves and a few odd packages of Twang. ;)

A/N: Hiyas folks, this be SunshineandDaisys here for my new fic-thingy! I'm writing it with mai cousie!! (grins) It shall be full of strange and crazy parodies acted/sung/written/seen by/heard by/commented on by Yu Yu Hakusho characters. XD So expect all-around randomness, and lots of Monty Python stuff. XD XD XD XD XD

So here's the first little diddy... Enjoy!

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**Yusuke Urameshi and the Quest for the Holy Quail**

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**Scene 1: Yelling French Frenzies!****  
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_ ((This takes place when King Yusuke is trying to find his court of Camelot. Through his journeys, he comes upon many different "knights" but this one in particular is French. Enough said.))_

King Yusuke:_ (standing at the foot of a tall and ominous castle)_: 'Ello! Who goes there?!

French Guy _(standing at the top of the tall and ominous castle)_: Bonjour! Zis is de place of Karasu! Go away!

King Yusuke: Pardon me, but I am looking for knights to join me at my court of Camelot. I am in search of the Holy Quail.

French Guy: You mean ZE Holy Quail? We already have one of zose! We ate it for dinner! It was TRES yummy!

King Yusuke: Well, have at you!

French Guy: I wave my private parts at you! You selfish kinnnnniggits! _(blows raspberry)_. I fart in your general direction! Your mother was Toguro, and your father smelt of elderberries!

King Yusuke: Well, we must go. Come along, knights! _(Followers grab coconuts and trot after him)_

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**Scene 2: And there was much rejoicing** _(yaaaay)__  
_

_ ((This takes place when King Yusuke and his Court of Camelot are travelling through the weathered fields and caves.))_

Narrator: Winter turned to spring. _((Kazuma Kuwabara stands in a beautiful field of flowers.)) _Spring turned to summer. _((Kuwabara begins to sweat.))_ Summer skipped fall and winter andwent directly back into spring again. _((Kuwabara looks bewildered at the flowers and begins to make flowered chain necklaces.))_ And then spring passed summer again and went straight into autumn. _((Kuwabara's precious necklaces float away much to his dismay and are replaced with falling leaves. Poor Kuwabara is nothing but a leafpile now.))_

Random peasant: GET ON WITH IT!!!

Following crowd: GET ON WITH IT!!!!!

Narrator: Oh, alright! So King Yusuke and his knights of the Triangular Countertop were blocked inside a cave by snow. Here, they were forced to eat Kurama's minstrels--and there was much rejoicing.

_((flags wave)) (yaaaay)_

Narrator: Then, as boredom struck, Hiei was forced to play Charades, where he was hereby made to act as Strawberry Shortcake--and there was much rejoicing.

_((flags wave)) (yaaaay) _

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**Scene 4: The Search for the Missing Scene**

Sir Kurama: My Lord, where is Scene 3?

King Yusuke: Ah! Is there not a Scene 3? _((They all look upwards to previous scenes.))_

King Yusuke: How absurd! _((Suddenly, a loud voice from the heavens booms down upon them.))_

God: YUSUKE, KING OF THE BRITAINS...

King Yusuke: I'm king of the Britains?

God: YES, YUSUKE! YOU ARE!

Sir Kurama: I thought this was an autonomous collective...

God: OH, DON'T START IN ON THAT AGAIN--YUSUKE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

King Yusuke: I'm averting my eyes, Lord!

God: WELL, DON'T! IT'S ALWAYS "SACRED THIS, HOLY THAT," AND "I'M NOT WORTHY..." BUT ANYWAY...YUSUKE, KING OF THE BRITAINS... _((holy music starts.))_ ...I HAVE APPOINTED YOU THE TASK OF FINDING THE HOLY QUAIL! LOOK CAREFULLY, YUSUKE... _((a small quail appears in the clouds for a brief moment, then vanishes.))_ ...THIS TASK IS OF UTMOST IMPORTANCE. YOU MUST FIND THIS QUAIL AND YOU WILL BE GREATLY REWARDED--WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?!

King Yusuke: I'm groveling, Sire! 

God: DID YOU HEAR ANYTHING I SAID? DID YOU SEE THE QUAIL?!?! I GAVE YOU A VISION!

King Yusuke: ...eh heh...heh...

God: JUST GET THE BLOODY QUAIL!!!_ ((vanishes into the heavens.)) _

**...to be continued! **

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**A/N**: And there's the first chapter! It's a little on the short side, but the next one will be longer and crazier and... yeah. XD Review anyone?


	2. Trolllalalala

**Disclaimer:** No own Yu Yu Hakusho. No own Harry Potter. No own Starbucks. No own toothbrush, but s'okay cause I eat toothpaste. Yuuuuuum.

**A/N:** Wows, so excited we got some reviews for this! You guys are awesome! (And you obviously like Hiei playing charades, muwahahaha) Sorry for the delay. I would say I've been busy... but really, I've just been fic-reading-crazy. :) Forgive me? heh And, before I forget to mention, mai cousie will not be writting this chapter. Just boring old me. :P But it's her full responsibility to write the next one, so you can look forward to that. (And there was much rejoicing. _((flags wave))_ Yaaaaay.)

This chappie is dedicated to Rozefire, 'cause she thinks ff dot net is run by trolls. ;) And 'cause she rocks. heehee (Highly doubt she'll ever read this but...)

Also, I know the last chapter looked a little messy. So I've tried to make it look better this time around. Whaddya think?

**Troll-lala-lala**

_Kurama's Casting List:_

Harry Potter - Yusuke Urameshi

Ron Weasley - Kazuma Kuwabara

Hermione Granger - Botan

Malicious, Evil Troll - Hiei

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Yusuke: And WHY does Kurama get to be director for this chapter?!

S&D (SunshineandDaisys): Cause he's smarter and cuter than you! (winks at Kurama)

Kurama: o.O

Hiei: (is glaring at casting sheet) Who in the nine hells made me the troll?

Kurama: (sheepishly) Guilty.

Yusuke: Always knew you were a sadistic bastard deep down, Kurama. Welcome to the club, brother.

Kurama: Eh heh... heh...

Botan: Okay, so I have to run around screaming in horror? (sighs) I'm not sure I can do that.

Kazuma: Sure you can! Just do like you always do when we're on missions!

Botan: (twitches)

S&D: Okay, everyone, stop your bickering and get in your places! Lights, camera... (looks at Kurama)

Kurama: ...action?

S&D: (squees and glomps Kurama)

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Yusuke: (is desperately trying to remember his lines) Uhh, hey, _Ron_, can you smell something?

Kazuma: That was my line!

Yusuke: Oh... too bad! Just go with it!

Kazuma: (grumbles) Okay, okay... Umm, why yes, _Harry_ . It smells like a mixture of old socks and the kind of public toilet no one seems to clean.

Yusuke: Yes, it quite does. And do you hear the shuffling footfalls of giant feet or those strange grunting noises?

Kazuma: Oh my gosh. I _do_! Whatever shall we---(glares at Kurama)

Kurama: ...Cut?

S&D: (sigh) What's wrong, Kazuma? (is playing with Kurama's hair)

Kazuma: This line makes me sound like a girl!

S&D: Read it aloud.

Kazuma: (grumbles) FINE. (clears throat) Oh my gosh. I _do_! Whatever shall we do, Harry?!

S&D: (manages to keep a straight face) I'm sorry, how's that go again?

Kazuma: Oh my gosh. I _do_! Whatever shall we do, Harry?!

S&D: (is dying on the inside) Beg pardon?

Kazuma: (is getting suspicious) Oh my gosh. I _do_! Whatever shall we do, Harry?!

S&D: (about to implode) One more time, please?

Kazuma: (frustrated) Oh my gosh. I _do_! Whatever shall we do, Harry?!

S&D: Would you repe--

Yusuke: (explodes with laughter) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! STOP! You're killing me!

S&D: (coughs loudly) Okay, well, I think I get the gist of it. It sounds fine to me. Let's just continue where we left off. Lights, camera... (looks at Kurama)

Kurama: ...action.

S&D: (leaps onto Kurama and glomps again)

Kazuma: Oh my gosh. I _do_! Whatever shall we do, Harry?!

Yusuke: (snickering) Ahhh. It's coming this way!

Hiei: (S&D shoves him onto set) (glares) (is wearing a sign around his neck that says "TROLL")

Kazuma: (snorts) Oh... (snorts) what a HORRIBLE sight. It's... (tries to contain laughter) twelve... twelve... (attempts to regain self) twelve feet tall... (doubles over in a silent fit of laughter)

Hiei: (twitch)

Yusuke: Oh dear, what a scary... (titters) GIANT. The smell coming from it is incredible. (grins) And it's so ugly...

Kazuma: (is still dying of laughter)

Yusuke: We should lock it in this chamber.

Kazuma: (gasping) Yes, good idea, Harry.

Hiei: (turns his back on the two)

Yusuke: (does key turning motion) Phew. That was close. He almost saw me.

Hiei: (turns back around and walks to other side of set)

Kazuma: (has finally recovered) Yay. Let's get away from here--

Botan: (from behind set) AAAAHHHHHH!

Yusuke: Oh, no.

Kazuma: Hermione! We must save her even though we desperately want to keep all our parts intact.

Yusuke: Hurry, into the girl's bathroom! (smirks)

Botan: (runs around corner of set rolling a bathtub on wheels)

Kazuma: o.o (stares at Kurama)

Kurama: Cut?

S&D: What _now_, Kazuma? (is braiding Kurama's hair)

Kazuma: What the _hell_ is a bathtub doing in the girl's bathroom?!

S&D: (shrugs) It was the only bathroom fixture I could find that would roll on wheels. Carry on. Light, camera...

Kurama: (braces self) ... action...

S&D: (grins evilly and pulls curtain around the director's chair area)

Botan: (sits in side bathtub and cowers)

Yusuke: (picks rock out of bucket labeled "Objects to Throw") Hurry, Ron, help me confuse it! (throws rock at Hiei)

Hiei: (gets hit) (glares)

Kazuma: Oy, pea-brain! (picks up chunk of iron ore and hurls it at Hiei)

Hiei: (is hit again) (looks a little dizzy)

Yusuke: (picks up hammer and tosses) XD

Hiei: (stars swirl around head) Oww...

S&D: CUT!

Kurama: Hey, that's my line...

S&D: I'll make it up to you in a sec, hon. (pats Kurama's head)

Kurama: O.O

S&D: Look, Hiei, it's not 'oww', it's 'Roooooaaarrrr!!'. Kay? Kay. Lights, camera...

Kurama: (gulps) Action.

S&D: As you wish, my pet... (advances on Kurama)

Hiei: (twitches) You son-of-a---

Yusuke: (coughs) It's 'roar'. (coughs)

Hiei: (dry look) Rawr.

Kazuma: Quick, Harry, go get Hermionee while I distract the ugly beast!

Yusuke: (runs over to Botan) Come on, Hermione, run!

Botan: (steps out of bathtub and stares blankly at Hiei) I can't. I'm scared spitless.

Hiei: (rolls eyes) Rawr. (walks over to Kazuma and stares at him)

Kazuma: (cowers in fear)

Yusuke: NOOOO! RON, I'LL SAVE YOU! (takes a running leap onto Hiei's back and shoves a stick up his nose)

Hiei: o.O CUT, damnit! (yanks stick out of nose)

S&D: Argh, WHAT?!

Hiei: (waves stick around stupidly) Why did he shove a stick up my nose?! He was only supposed to _act_ like it!

Yusuke: Sorry, man, got caught up in the moment.

S&D: Ooookkkkaaayyyy... Kurama, will you do the honors?

Kurama: Lights... (cringe) camera... (cringe) action... (cowers)

S&D: XD

Yusuke: (leaps onto Hiei's back) Hurry, Ron, do something!

Kazuma: (pulls out a stick of his own) Wing...! (forgets line)

Yusuke: (is still on Hiei's back)

Hiei: (twitches)

Kazuma: Uhh...

Botan: (coughs) Wingardium Leviosa! (coughs)

Kazuma: Um... (coughs) One more time, Botan! (coughs)

Botan: (exasperated) WINGARDIUM LEVIOSA!

Kazuma: -.- What she said...! (points stick at Hiei) Die!

Hiei: (shoves Yusuke onto the floor) Ahh. I die. (falls over right next to Yusuke)

Yusuke: Why, Hiei, I didn't know you felt--  
Hiei: (knees Yusuke)

Yusuke: o.o (whispers) Pain...

Botan: Oh, Ron, my hero! (hugs Kazuma)

S&D: Cut!

Kurama: Oh dear God...

S&D: Botan, I want a convincing thank you. Not some ho-hum _hug_.

Botan: (sighs) Alright...

Kurama: Action...?

S&D: In a minute, dear, I wanna see how this goes. ;)

Botan: Oh, Ron, my hero!! (squeezes Kazuma tightly before kissing him on the cheek)

Yusuke: Eww...

Hiei: (grimaces)

S&D: CUT!!

Everyone: What?!

S&D: Make it convincing! Come on now, it's the finale! Make it memorable! (sighs)

Kurama: Action. (cringes)

Botan: Oh, Ron, my hero!!! (shoves Kazuma into the bathtub and begins making-out)

Yusuke: O.O CUT!

Hiei: (looks disgusted)

S&D: Yay! The end! XD

Botan: (leaps out of the bathtub and immediately begins washing mouth out with soap) Nasty. Nasty. Nasty. Nasty. Nasty. Nasty...

Kazuma: x.X

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Yusuke: Well, I'm certainly glad THAT'S over with. (sighs with relief)

Hiei: The idiot who wrote that damn scene needs to be thrown off a cliff.

J.K. Rowling: (clears throat) Are you suggesting that my book is stupid?

Hiei: Yeah. I am. What are _you _going to do about it?

_**Five Minutes Later...**_

Hiei: (gagged and tied up inside bathtub)

J.K. Rowling: Let 'im go, boys!

Yusuke and Kazuma: (shove bathtub off side of cliff)

Hiei: O.O (falls)

Botan: I don't think I'll miss him. He was too much of a jerk. (shrugs)

J.K. Rowling: I quite agree. Want to join me for some coffee and discuss the final book?

Botan: :D (totters off to Starbucks)

Yusuke: Well, that was fun. You think we should go find Kurama?

Kazuma: (vividly remembers a swirly-eyed Kurama with braids sticking up everywhere) Naaah. He seemed to be having fun with Sunshine.

Yusuke: I know, lucky fox. Next time _I'm_ gonna be director.

** FIN!**

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**End A/N:** Phew, that was fun. XD Hope everyone liked it! No idea what the next chapter will be about, or when it's coming, but rest assured: it will come. This is way too much fun to stop doing. ;) And before anyone says I was bashing Hiei, I admit, I was... kinda. -.-; Don't get me wrong! Me luvs Hiei! But someone needed bashing in this chapter so... heh. In the next chapter I write, I promise I'll have Hiei bash someone else. Mmkay? Mmkay. Review please?


	3. Yusuke & the Chocolate Factory

Yusuke and the Chocolate Factory

**A/N**: (This is the 3rd Chapter to the Holy Quail series! Don't worry, no previous knowledge is needed to read this, so have at it! Please read and review!)

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CAST: 

Mike TV: Hiei

Violet Beauregard: Kayko

Augustus Gloop: Kuwabara

Veruca Salt: Botan

Charlie: Yusuke

Willy Wonka: Johnny Depp

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Disclaimer: I own nothing of the above mentioned characters, stories, or phrases. I only own what I make of it! Enjoy, mes amis.

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**SCENE 1: GETTING THE GOLDEN TICKET  
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(Yusuke skips--yes, skips--to the store counter, eager to buy the next and last affordable scrumptious chocolate bar. Once it is in his hands, the world melts away. The only thing that matters--besides kicking major butt in the Spirit World-- is CHOCOLATE...and the Golden Ticket.)

Yusuke: (unwraps chocolate bar...pause) ...IT'S NOT IN HERE!

Random Director: WHAT!

Yusuke: The Golden Ticket is NOT in here! But--but--I'm supposed to go see Johnny Depp! And have more chocolate! And live happily ever after!

Kayko: (waves two golden tickets in front of Yusuke's face) Loooookee here...is this what you're searching for?

Yusuke: GIVE ME THAT, YOU LITTLE-- (lunges at Kayko)

Kayko: (runs away)

Yusuke: (tackles Kayko, wrestles a ticket out of her hands) You wimp. I thought you took karate lessons!

Kayko: Only in the movie, you lardbag. It's all choreographed, remember?

Yusuke: ...Oh, right. Anyway. Off to the Chocolate Factory!

**SCENE 2: MEETING JOHNNY DEPP**

(At the factory, the five companions meet and wait for Johnny Depp to allow them to enter.)

Kuwabara: I laff shocolate!

Botan: (prods Kuwabara and whispers) Excuse me, "Augustus"... that is the most horrible German accent I have ever heard!

Kuwabara: (loudly) Ayyy laaaafffff shock-ohh-lahhht! (Mumbles) Better, Miss PERFECT?

Botan: Yes, quite!

Hiei: (looks up from his PSP) Excuse me, would you idiots mind keeping it down? I'm almost to the end of this game, and we all know it's much more important than all of you combined.

Botan: How dare you! (looks at father) Daddy, make him stop!

Daddy: Hiei--er, Mike, stop that.

Hiei: (glares, but turns off the game) This means I will have to kill you later, I hope you know.

(Suddenly the kids turn in the direction of Johnny Depp, who appears and opens the doors to the factory)

Johnny: Good morning, starshine! The earth says--

(SCHLAPP!)

(Johnny looks down, befuddled, as suddenly everything below his neck is no longer visible due to Kayko, Botan, and Kuwabara's magnetized bear hugs)

Johnny: Wha--uh--ew, little children, stop that! Girls! BOY! Enough!

(The three of them walk back to their peers with heavy hearts, and Johnny straightens his jacket)

Johnny: As I was saying...um...what was I saying? LINE!

Random Director: Oh, don't bother with it! Just take them in the factory!

(Johnny walks through the door with Kayko, Botan, and Kuwabara following him close behind, staring at him lovingly)

**SCENE 3: THE DEMISE**

(Johnny leads them to the unbelievably large room of candy)

Johnny: Here you are, kids! Anything in this room you may have and enjoy to your heart's content!

(Kayko, Botan, and Kuwabara advance on poor Johnny, knocking him down, and then proceed to tear off his clothes)

Johnny: GACK! What in the world! Gerroff me! I didn't say you could have ME, just the candy!

Kuwabara: (gives an attempt at a "come hither" look) But Johnny...you ARE candy!

(The trio begin to smother Johnny in kisses...meanwhile, Yusuke and Hiei call and invite the entire Spirit World to the factory for a pool party in the Chocolate River)

Johnny: Mmmph-- (bats away a lovesick Botan) NO! My Chocolate River must never be touched by human hands!

(Suddenly the residents of Spirit World appear and all plop into the River)

Johnny: GAAAAAHHHH! Where are my Oompa Loompas when I need them?

(The camera suddenly pans to a small round door at the corner of the room, where thousands of tiny fists are heard smashing from the unseen side, followed by curses, screams, and death threats to the five "children.")

Yusuke: (Breaks wind in the river and watches in awe as the bubbles float up around him) Yay, bubbles! Everyone fart so we can have a giant hot tub!

(Everyone stops and stares at Yusuke and his stupidity)

Yusuke: ...Er, just a suggestion, gosh.

Random Director: CUT! ...CUT! I said CUT! This is NOT how the movie goes! ...I SAID CUT!

(No one listens. The Director tosses the script into the air and storms off dramatically, leaving them to their mischief)

Hiei: (watches something float by in the river) ...is some of the chocolate hardening or something?

Yusuke: (turns deep red) Oh...sorry...I uh, guess I did more than just pass gas.

(The party continues as the Spirit World indulges themselves in the chocolate pool, and Johnny gives up resisting the love-starved trio)

**THE END!**

**A/N: **(If only we could be as lucky as they are! I hope you enjoyed it. Please review!)


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